What to do if the husband does not want to work or earn more money?
If you find yourself in a situation where your spouse refuses to provide for the family, it’s imperative to delve deeper into the root causes of this behavior. Understanding the reasons behind your partner’s attitude will help you come up with a more effective strategy for addressing the issue.
There are several different types of men who may lack the motivation to work and earn money. Some men may be struggling with mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, which can make it difficult for them to focus on work and provide for the family. Others may have experienced traumatic events in their lives that have left them feeling disheartened and unproductive.
In some cases, a man’s lack of motivation may stem from a sense of entitlement or a belief that it is not his responsibility to provide for the family. Alternatively, he may be struggling to find a job that he feels is fulfilling or that aligns with his values.
The first type is the misanthropic man who tends to be closed off and dislikes people. Any form of direct communication causes him psychological discomfort. Misanthropy is usually a result of childhood psychological trauma or a character trait. In such cases, remote work (freelance) or organizing a private enterprise that allows communication with clients through correspondence or email can be a way out. If your husband has any “applied” skills such as tailoring, jewelry-making, carpentry, farming, among others, this option is suitable. As his spouse, your role in this case is to take over the entire process of organizing the enterprise.
The second type is the melancholic romantic who tends to complain constantly, inflate problems, and perceive even the slightest failures as a big deal. Complaints from such men are usually a result of insecurity. To overcome this complex, gain confidence in their own abilities and increase their self-esteem, spouses can convince them that they are good specialists and can succeed in their chosen profession. It’s important to emphasize that the money earned will help to change the life of the family for the better. Raising the self-esteem of your husband requires patience and tact.
The third type is the narcissist who seeks the perfect job and will not settle for anything less. He is characterized by extreme self-confidence and narcissism, sincerely believing that the whole world, especially his immediate environment, owes him something. Such men have exaggerated requirements when it comes to work and salary, being sure that anything less is simply not worthy. Motivating a narcissist to engage in any activity can be quite challenging and can only be done by a woman he truly cares about or through radical changes in his usual way of life. It’s important to note that such people usually start a relationship for mercantile reasons, seeing in their partner a hybrid of a cook, maid, and worker in the sphere of intimate services. To change the situation in the right direction, spouses can create unbearable conditions such as simple and meager food, lack of money for hobbies, and other pleasant little things. You can also motivate them with your own demotion or salary cut.
Male narcissist sincerely believes that he is an excellent specialist and worthy of all the best, while on the trifles he does not want to change the change
Mama’s boy: in his life everything is stable and without work
Most of his life safely existed under the tutelage of his mother, such a man believes that in the team he is not loved and not appreciated as at home. He loses his job because of infantilization, inability to cope with problems and make decisions.
From the wife in this case is required to “instill” the spouse’s independence. Constantly instill in him that he has grown up, is able to work and earn decent money, enough to provide for his own family. Such a man needs frequent praise for even the smallest achievements and regular confirmation from his wife: he really is a good worker and family man, on whom you can rely.
If appropriate, give your husband an example of his parents. As a rule, women who are overprotective of the child and indulge him in everything, sit at home and do not work, and the financial provision of the family completely falls on the shoulders of the man.
The man is a mama’s boy
Overprotected in childhood sons often simply do not know how to solve problems and cope with difficulties on their own, accustomed that their mother does it for them
Very cautious and indecisive: better a bird in hand
Lives by the principle of “measure seven times – once cut off”, elevated to an absolute. Long hesitates before making any decision, including those related to work. As a result, often does not do anything, fearing real or far-fetched negative consequences.
In this case, the wife will have to bear the burden of making the choice for her husband. If you know that your spouse has prospects of moving to a better-paid position or changing jobs, carefully study all the advantages of such a choice and with the facts in hand begin to regularly prove to your spouse how his life will change for the better when he makes the decision. Any pluses will do – an office close to home, a separate office, a large advance, a good team and so on.
Act gently but persistently. Emphasize that money is not so important to you. Much more you want to see your spouse happy man, and the new job is just right for the realization of his plans and talents.
In the absence of prospects, study the vacancies offered in newspapers or on the Internet, look for a job for your husband through acquaintances and give your spouse a detailed and reasoned comparative analysis.
Indecisive man often has not one, but even several offers promising good prospects in terms of career development and salary increase, but because of the possible or imagined negative consequences most often prefers to leave everything as it is
If you feel that you can not cope with the situation alone, contact a specialist. Psychologist (or family psychologist) is able to help the spouse to realize the problem, find a way to solve it and change the attitude to life. Of course, the man himself must want to do this.
Forcing a man to work is difficult, but it is possible. What psychologists advise to do in the first place:
Recall that by entering into marriage, the man agreed to accept responsibility for the family. And now clearly evades this responsibility. Emphasize: you believe in his potential and are willing to wait, but not indefinitely. Making a marriage work Starting a conversation about the need to find a spouse job, remind him that marriage is, among other things, mutual responsibilities and "drag" the family alone you should not Clearly explain: money in the family is clearly not enough. You can, for example, during the month to keep a "bookkeeping", comparing income with expenses. Analyze the budget together, so that he understands - the funds will soon cease to be enough even for the essentials. Keeping a family budget With facts in your hands, proving to your spouse that money in the family is really not enough, you will feel much more confident Set goals and emphasize their importance. Explain that you need money not for entertainment and luxury goods, but, for example, for the education of children or repairs to the apartment, which has long been dangerous to live in for health. Ask your man for help in managing the household, reminding him that you already have the burden of providing for the family financially. Stop being responsible for every little thing - let your spouse feel that cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping - this is also labor. The man cleans the kitchen Suggest to your spouse to feel that household chores - this is also hard work and take them on themselves, since you have to provide the family financially have to Help your spouse if you see that he or she is making some effort, but to no avail. You can make a resume, look for vacancies, rehearse the interview with the employer, choose the right clothes for this. Moral support is also important. A woman helps her spouse in the search for a job If you see that the husband sincerely wants, but can not yet get a job for objective reasons, offer him any help you can provide Give him an ultimatum. An extreme measure, but sometimes it has the desired effect. Set a deadline, before the expiration of which the spouse must find a job. Otherwise he will lose his wife and children. Announce your decision calmly and discreetly and most importantly - be ready to fulfill the threat. There is a tougher option - on the money you earn to provide only yourself (and the children), and the spouse only to feed, and so that he only did not stretch his legs.
Tips from psychologists on what not to do
Wrong actions on the part of the spouse can further aggravate the problem. And even provoke the husband to manhandling:
Do not regularly roll scandals, hysterics, go to insults. Especially destructive such tactics with a melancholic husband. And with everyone else, it just causes the desire to act out of spite. All conversations about the lack of money in the family lead calmly and reasoned. Quarrel spouses
Scandals and yelling are the worst way to try to solve a problem; this way you will only provoke aggression and the desire to act out of spite
Do not be too intrusive, act tactfully. The decision a man should always make himself. Another thing that subconsciously its formation – often the work of the wife on the principle of “a drop of stone sharpens stone”.
Do not allow the intervention of outsiders, even close relatives. The most “dangerous” in this regard, mother-in-law, who very often perceives the wife’s attempts to force her husband to get a job as pressure on his psyche and begins to convince his son that he is absolutely right in his actions (or rather, inaction).
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law Politely but firmly let the mother-in-law understand that the affairs of your family you will decide together with your husband and no one else Do not change the decisions you have made, be consistent. Having stated that you will leave the family if nothing changes for the better for a certain period of time, do so. Otherwise, the spouse will inevitably come to the conclusion that he can behave as he likes - the wife is still nowhere to go. Woman leaves her husband Having given your spouse an ultimatum, be ready to fulfill the threat, otherwise it will have the opposite effect Stop giving your husband money for "pocket money". With regular "subsidies" he gradually subconsciously begins to treat his wife as a mother, himself turning into a child for whom she is obliged to solve all problems.
Feedback on the situation
The spouse who wants to see “labor feats” in the performance of her husband, first of all, should understand what is connected with his unwillingness to work and provide for the family. From this depends on her behavior in each specific situation. But if nothing changes without objective reasons, consider whether it is not easier for you to provide only yourself (and children), getting rid of the “sponger”.